The Levine Machine

Finally got an office phone.

The yearly dairy-palooza known as Shavuot is right around the corner. That super awesome two day mix of cheesecake and all night learnin’ is nothing short of a staple in the Jewish social event calendar. It’s like for one day a year the Jewish community does their best impression of a library at Harvard during finals season (without any asians. Not making fun of asians here, just making the point that there are like 6 asian Jews. tops.).

When it comes to Shavuot there is one issue that we all have to deal with and that is the lack of unique dining options. Sure, non-stop pizza and lasagna are good for the first day but how many sicilian slices can you eat before you start thinking “ok. I am done with Cheese and Bread combos. My arteries are more clogged than the NJ Turnpike south on Memorial day weekend!” (All my New Jersey readers know what’s up!) So the challenge every chef must face going into the holiday is how to do two days of dairy without everyone’s taste buds falling asleep from boredom. That is where the Eggplant comes in.

Yes, the eggplant. That weird looking purple squash that you sometimes get on your pizza when you are feeling adventurous. Let’s be honest, the thought of cooking an eggplant scares you. That is fine! We all have fears! (I fear roller coasters and the thought of Disney potentially ruining the Star Wars franchise.) I don’t blame you for being afraid of cooking an eggplant. Do you even cook it? do you fry it? is it meat? most guys have no idea. Sure, the eggplant is a scary veggie but I guarantee you, after reading my recipe you will reign supreme over this gourd. (Editors Note: It isn’t a gourd. Different family of veggie. Is it even a veggie? I honestly don’t know. Anyways, I was running out of other things to call the eggplant so I called it a gourd.)

Try this simple eggplant recipe to wow your guests and maybe even your future wife!

NOTE: Eggplants shrink dramatically in size when you cook them. Eggplants are huge vegetables but when you throw them into the oven or fryer they shrink to half their size. Make more than you think you will use to be safe. Safety first!

Ingredients:

3 eggplants

4 eggs

Italian seasoned breadcrumbs (these are standard bread crumbs that have hairy chests and “knows a guy”)

Cookin’ spray

Kosher Salt

Cooking Oil

A Bunch of Mozzarella (really any cheese you want just no American cheese. American cheese on an eggplant parm? What mobile home village did you get that alcohol addiction in?)

A Bunch of Tomato Sauce

A Whole Lotta Attitude!

Cut the eggplant into 1 inch slices and place on a paper towel. Sprinkle kosher salt onto each slice and let sit for 20 mintues. During that time you are going to want to take a pan and put some oil in it to cook the eggplant. Crack open 6 eggs and scramble them in a bowl. Take each slice of eggplant and dunk it in the egg and then into the bread crumbs (which should also be in a bowl. I’m terrible at explaining stuff. It will be a miracle if these actually come out ok). Then do it again to get a second coat (bundle that sucker up like you it is winter in Russia and you are Anastasia running away from a mob of people who are pissed at your family).

Then fry until brown on both sides. Spray some cooking spray into an aluminum rectangle tin and place a layer of your eggplant down on the bottom. Then poor some tomato sauce (use your best judgment how much sauce. Unlike your girlfriend, I trust you) and then top with a crap ton of cheese. Really, a crap ton. Overdo it you stud! You deserve it! Feelin’ adventurous? Use different kinds of cheeses! It doesn’t matter at all. I guarantee whatever combo of cheese you use it will be totally fine. Remember, You’re a stud.

Repeat until there is no more room in the tray.

Put in oven and cook until the top becomes melty and somewhat brown in some places.

Serve. Receive a hi 5 from everyone in the room.

Remember! Act like it is no big deal when people compliment you. Practice lines like “Oh, This ol’ thing?” and “You should see how the other guy looks!” so that people know just how nonchalant you really are. You stud.

I have officially decorated my office.

This duck came to our office today. Supposedly this duck is endangered. This is the picture I drew of this duck to make sure my children and children’s children have evidence that this beautiful creature once roamed this earth.

I deserve an Oscar.

Gonna be releasing a new article next week. This is your sneak peek.

This was the third installment of cartoons I wanted to publish but was afraid of legal problems.

thepit-nyc:

The International Quidditch Association is looking for sports fans, comedians, and Harry Potter Heads! PITizens have announced for this in the past and it was a lot of fun!  We are sad to hear it won’t be in New York this year.

The Quidditch World Cup VI is scheduled for April 13-14 in Kissimmee, Florida this year, just an hour outside of Orlando and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter! The IQA is looking for play-by-play announcers and colorful comedic commentators for the entire tournament!

Ideal candidates would be experienced Muggle performers who are Harry Potter fans, interested in sports, or are interested in being a part of our expanding community!

The perks of being an IQA Announcer:

• You get to watch Muggles play the best Quidditch in the world (this league is INTERNATIONAL, after all)!
• You will be able to watch the entire tournament for free!
• Discount tickets and shuttle transport to an exclusive Harry Potter Fan Night at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter for IQA staff, volunteers, and employees!
• Performance experience with improvisers from around the country!

How to be an announcer:

• Register to volunteer HERE.
• Tell us about your performance experience (improv, stand up, etc.)
• Let us know if you want to fulfill your Lee Jordan-inspired dreams and become a play-by-play announcer OR if you want to make everyone laugh a la the Weasley Twins by being a comedic commentator
• Be available April 12-14, 2013 and willing to travel to Florida

If you have any questions regarding this opportunity, please feel free to shoot the Announcer Coordinator an email here: nadia.vazquez@internationalquidditch.org

Good luck, everyone!

Nitwit, blubber, odment, tweek. - Albus Dumbledore

Hey Guys! Many of you may not know this BUT I am the Head Announcer of the International Quidditch Association (no, I am not joking. Yes, it does get me mad hunnies).

We are recruiting for the next IQA world cup! If you are a comic/sports play-by-play person then you should totally get in on this HOT FIRE.

If I was a Condoleezza Rice and I was in highschool and I was on the wrestling team, here are what my wrestling nicknames and catchphrases would be:

5 Condoleezza Rice Wrestling Nicknames:

1. The Condor

2. The General Lee

3. Rice-a-rooni: The San Fransisco BEAT

4. Con-Air

5. Con-ductor of the Pain Train

5 Condoleezza Rice wrestling Catchphrases:

1. I Told You Twice, Don’t Make Me Tell You TH-RICE.

2. Don’t Call me Susan.

3. You can CON-sider yourself lucky if you survive this match.

4. Easy Squeasy, I’m Condi-Leezy.

5. Uncle Sam ain’t got Nothin’ on Uncle Ben.

Me and my fantasy football opponent this past week. A sound 155-147 victory.