The Levine Machine

“If I wanted those reports next week I woulda said...

Fri, 10 May 2013 12:44:57 -0400

“If I wanted those reports next week I woulda said ‘next week’ on the email to corporate! Do you know what the word deadline means!?”

Finally got an office phone.

Fri, 10 May 2013 12:43:03 -0400

Finally got an office phone.

The yearly dairy-palooza known as Shavuot is right around the...

Mon, 06 May 2013 17:35:00 -0400

The yearly dairy-palooza known as Shavuot is right around the corner. That super awesome two day mix of cheesecake and all night learnin’ is nothing short of a staple in the Jewish social event calendar. It’s like for one day a year the Jewish community does their best impression of a library at Harvard during finals season (without any asians. Not making fun of asians here, just making the point that there are like 6 asian Jews. tops.).

When it comes to Shavuot there is one issue that we all have to deal with and that is the lack of unique dining options. Sure, non-stop pizza and lasagna are good for the first day but how many sicilian slices can you eat before you start thinking “ok. I am done with Cheese and Bread combos. My arteries are more clogged than the NJ Turnpike south on Memorial day weekend!” (All my New Jersey readers know what’s up!) So the challenge every chef must face going into the holiday is how to do two days of dairy without everyone’s taste buds falling asleep from boredom. That is where the Eggplant comes in.

Yes, the eggplant. That weird looking purple squash that you sometimes get on your pizza when you are feeling adventurous. Let’s be honest, the thought of cooking an eggplant scares you. That is fine! We all have fears! (I fear roller coasters and the thought of Disney potentially ruining the Star Wars franchise.) I don’t blame you for being afraid of cooking an eggplant. Do you even cook it? do you fry it? is it meat? most guys have no idea. Sure, the eggplant is a scary veggie but I guarantee you, after reading my recipe you will reign supreme over this gourd. (Editors Note: It isn’t a gourd. Different family of veggie. Is it even a veggie? I honestly don’t know. Anyways, I was running out of other things to call the eggplant so I called it a gourd.)

Try this simple eggplant recipe to wow your guests and maybe even your future wife!

NOTE: Eggplants shrink dramatically in size when you cook them. Eggplants are huge vegetables but when you throw them into the oven or fryer they shrink to half their size. Make more than you think you will use to be safe. Safety first!

Ingredients:

3 eggplants

4 eggs

Italian seasoned breadcrumbs (these are standard bread crumbs that have hairy chests and “knows a guy”)

Cookin’ spray

Kosher Salt

Cooking Oil

A Bunch of Mozzarella (really any cheese you want just no American cheese. American cheese on an eggplant parm? What mobile home village did you get that alcohol addiction in?)

A Bunch of Tomato Sauce

A Whole Lotta Attitude!

Cut the eggplant into 1 inch slices and place on a paper towel. Sprinkle kosher salt onto each slice and let sit for 20 mintues. During that time you are going to want to take a pan and put some oil in it to cook the eggplant. Crack open 6 eggs and scramble them in a bowl. Take each slice of eggplant and dunk it in the egg and then into the bread crumbs (which should also be in a bowl. I’m terrible at explaining stuff. It will be a miracle if these actually come out ok). Then do it again to get a second coat (bundle that sucker up like you it is winter in Russia and you are Anastasia running away from a mob of people who are pissed at your family).

Then fry until brown on both sides. Spray some cooking spray into an aluminum rectangle tin and place a layer of your eggplant down on the bottom. Then poor some tomato sauce (use your best judgment how much sauce. Unlike your girlfriend, I trust you) and then top with a crap ton of cheese. Really, a crap ton. Overdo it you stud! You deserve it! Feelin’ adventurous? Use different kinds of cheeses! It doesn’t matter at all. I guarantee whatever combo of cheese you use it will be totally fine. Remember, You’re a stud.

Repeat until there is no more room in the tray.

Put in oven and cook until the top becomes melty and somewhat brown in some places.

Serve. Receive a hi 5 from everyone in the room.

Remember! Act like it is no big deal when people compliment you. Practice lines like “Oh, This ol’ thing?” and “You should see how the other guy looks!” so that people know just how nonchalant you really are. You stud.

I have officially decorated my office.

Fri, 03 May 2013 15:31:18 -0400

I have officially decorated my office.

This duck came to our office today. Supposedly this duck is...

Fri, 03 May 2013 11:28:00 -0400

This duck came to our office today. Supposedly this duck is endangered. This is the picture I drew of this duck to make sure my children and children’s children have evidence that this beautiful creature once roamed this earth.

comedycentral: Attention youth soccer refs of...

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 17:35:00 -0400

comedycentral:

Attention youth soccer refs of Tumblr!

[@nathanfielder]

If you arent watch Nathan For You then you arent watching TV correctly.

I deserve an Oscar.

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 20:21:02 -0400

I deserve an Oscar.

Gonna be releasing a new article next week. This is your sneak...

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 15:37:00 -0400

Gonna be releasing a new article next week. This is your sneak peek.

Bro Jackson.

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 14:02:16 -0400

Bro Jackson.

thelevinecousins: Today we met the star of NBC’s hit sitcom...

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 06:14:14 -0400

thelevinecousins:

Today we met the star of NBC’s hit sitcom 1600 Penn, Josh Gad! Adam was super star struck but found the courage to ask Josh for a quick pic!

In case you didn’t know, I have another blog where I chronicle the wacky adventures I have with my cousins, Adam Levine and Avril Lavigne. This is the second best chronicle, right behind “The Chronicles of Narnia” and right above the movie “Chronicle.”

oldtimefamilybaseball: Tonight, with his vibranium bat in hand,...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 05:45:00 -0400

oldtimefamilybaseball:

Tonight, with his vibranium bat in hand, David Wright continued his hot streak in the WBC with two hits and 5 RBI. He’s now driven in 9 of the USA’s 24 runs in the tournament.

And while the stars and stripes may seem a little old fashioned, as a great man once said, people might just need a little old fashioned. Also, David Wright’s tongue.

Sadly, the Netherlands lost to Japan (though that was just to determine final seeding) and Italy lost a tight game with the Dominican Republic forcing the upstart Italian club into an elimination game with Puerto Rico tomorrow night.

(image by the grand Jay Tuohey/@TheRoar_24)

David Wright.

Thought I would lend some perspective to the hype behind Mariano...

Sat, 09 Mar 2013 18:43:41 -0500

Thought I would lend some perspective to the hype behind Mariano Rivera retiring.

This post is for my MLB FanCave 30 finalists: David Wright...

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 06:11:32 -0500

This post is for my MLB FanCave 30 finalists: David Wright #EitanLevine

Somehow the picture of Taft eating more hot dogs than Kobyashi...

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 06:04:56 -0500

Somehow the picture of Taft eating more hot dogs than Kobyashi while riding a segway got left out…

sports-entertainment: I love this photo of Jay D., Drew, Alex,...

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 03:37:04 -0500

sports-entertainment:

I love this photo of Jay D., Drew, Alex, Katie C., Eitan, Sam, Jay T. and myself <3

Photo from the hotel with some other FanCave30ers

This is the funniest thing on my computer not because of content...

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 22:49:23 -0500

This is the funniest thing on my computer not because of content but because I have no recollection of making it. This means I probably made this during one of my Nyquil highs over the past few nights.

My Week With the MLB Fan Cave

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 20:57:26 -0500

If you have been following me on any of my social media outlets or just sitting next to me at lunch or really just have been in my general vicinity over the past few weeks, you would know I am a finalist for the MLB FanCave. The FanCave, a complex located on Broadway and West 4th in New York that is owned by the MLB, is Mecca for Baseball fans across the country (and world). If you are chosen to be one of the “Cave Dwellers” you are required to spend the duration of the Baseball season watching EVERY Baseball game, competing in challenges and maintaining a baseball oriented Social Media presence. Getting the email that I had been selected as a finalist for the Cave is probably the closest I will ever get to opening a Wonka bar and finding a golden ticket.

Major League Baseball, tasked with the incredibly difficult challenge of narrowing down the #FanCave30 to a final (and secret) number of Dwellers, flew all the finalists out to Phoenix for 4 days to get a better look at the finalists.

Here is my recap of the my trip to Phoenix with the #FanCave30!

Day 1:
Car picks me up. Driver takes my bag and then offers me a fancy bottle of water. I get to JFK and meet 4 of the other finalists (3 of which happen to be NYC comics from the PIT/UCB community). We land in Phoenix, meet 4 other contestants and then head to the hotel. Quick dinner, quick hot tub sesh and then sleep for 9am wakeup call.

Day 2:
Day starts off a bit rocky. I miss breakfast and find out that Phoenix is a LOT colder than my wardrobe anticipated but I power through it (like Kevin James in “Here Comes the Boom”). I get MLB Fan Cave credentials/swag, take part in a poolside game of catch and then head to the bus for first activities in Chase Field.

As a New Yorker, the first thing I notice about Chase Field is that it is HUGE (and gorgeous). This might have been helped by the fact that, aside from the people laying out the grass on the field, we were the only ones there but in all likelihood, it is because that thing was massive. We then got to hear from “The MLB Suits” (their words, not mine) about what the Cave is all about and the commitment it takes to be a Dweller. Then lunch and a small tour of Chase field.

During the tour I was pulled aside with 9 other finalists and told we had been randomly selected to get interviewed by Greg Amsinger (Yeahhh! THAT Greg Amsinger!!!) by video in the Diamondbacks home dugout. After I finished giggling like a schoolgirl, I composed myself and proceeded with the interview.

Interview highlight:
Greg- Can you name a worse MLB outfield than the Mets this year?
Me- Yes, the Mets last year.
Greg- *Laughs* Man, I like your style.

After the interview I had to run from the dugout to some kind of conference room and give a 60 second elevator pitch selling myself to the MLB executives. This was hands down the most stressful part of the week as it is literally a dark room with around 20 people staring at you under near-blinding light with a 60 second stop clock sitting right in front of you. I gave my pitch (a pitch that included a hot dog eating contest challenge to Albert Pujols) and left feeling significantly less stressed.

Then dinner and trivia hosted by former player/current MLB TV personality, Eric Byrnes and Ricardo Marquez (2012 Ultimate FanCave Dweller RunnerUp). My team did not do well BUT we didn’t come in last (IN YOUR FACE DINGMAN/CLAIR’S TEAM). The night capped off with Karaoke overlooking Chase Field. This was a big deal for me as I had never actually done karaoke (hold for *Gasp*) or even actually sang into a microphone. I have sung stuff on stage (musical improv and the time I auditioned for “Book of Mormon”) but never in a karaoke setting. I chose “I Don’t Wanna Close my Eyes” and I’m convinced there wasn’t a dry eye left in the house after the “YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHHH” part. Call me Bob the Builder… because I nailed it.

Day 2:

8 AM interview session with the MLB execs. Super intimidating when you take into account I had a combined 8 hours of sleep over the two days.

Highlights of questions:

Favorite contemporary band?
Alabama Shakes

Favorite current TV show?
Workaholics

Which Mets outfielder will have a breakout year?
Mike Baxter (yeah, I’m not sure why I said that one either but now that I said it, prepare for Baxter to break records this upcoming year).

Then we took a freezing cold trip to Salt River field (Rockies/D-Backs spring training complex) with an in-bus Q+A with Anne Occi who basically makes all the graphics and logos for anything MLB related. This was probably one of the most interesting parts of the trip and a super cool aspect of the MLB I never really think about.

We got to the field, shot some video challenges and headed back home.

Then a night party at Lucky Strike. If you are not familiar with Lucky Strike, it is basically what would happen if bowling was like “You know what I need more of? Ed Hardy brand clothing.”

Get back to hotel. tearful goodbye to the FanCave30. Trip to 7/11 for a Whatchamacallit.

Day 3:
Early flight back home. Get back to apt at around 6:15. Sleep for the next 20 hours.

If there is one thing I will take away from this experience it is the amazement that a group of 30 strangers can bond sooo quickly over 3+ days together. Everyone there was funny, creative, interesting and passionate about baseball. Yes, at the end of the day we are all competing with each other for one of those precious spots in the FanCave but if You were to take a look at the #FanCave30 Facebook group, you would never know that we were competing against each other.

Car is here. Noting says class like a shiny car and...

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 14:13:59 -0500

Car is here. Noting says class like a shiny car and complimentary water bottles.

This was the third installment of cartoons I wanted to publish...

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 02:08:41 -0500

This was the third installment of cartoons I wanted to publish but was afraid of legal problems.

thepit-nyc: The International Quidditch Association is looking...

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 16:11:37 -0500

thepit-nyc:

The International Quidditch Association is looking for sports fans, comedians, and Harry Potter Heads! PITizens have announced for this in the past and it was a lot of fun! We are sad to hear it won’t be in New York this year.

The Quidditch World Cup VI is scheduled for April 13-14 in Kissimmee, Florida this year, just an hour outside of Orlando and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter! The IQA is looking for play-by-play announcers and colorful comedic commentators for the entire tournament!

Ideal candidates would be experienced Muggle performers who are Harry Potter fans, interested in sports, or are interested in being a part of our expanding community!

The perks of being an IQA Announcer:

You get to watch Muggles play the best Quidditch in the world (this league is INTERNATIONAL, after all)!

You will be able to watch the entire tournament for free!

Discount tickets and shuttle transport to an exclusive Harry Potter Fan Night at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter for IQA staff, volunteers, and employees!

Performance experience with improvisers from around the country!

How to be an announcer:

Register to volunteer HERE.

Tell us about your performance experience (improv, stand up, etc.)

Let us know if you want to fulfill your Lee Jordan-inspired dreams and become a play-by-play announcer OR if you want to make everyone laugh a la the Weasley Twins by being a comedic commentator

Be available April 12-14, 2013 and willing to travel to Florida

If you have any questions regarding this opportunity, please feel free to shoot the Announcer Coordinator an email here: nadia.vazquez@internationalquidditch.org

Good luck, everyone!

Nitwit, blubber, odment, tweek. - Albus Dumbledore

Hey Guys! Many of you may not know this BUT I am the Head Announcer of the International Quidditch Association (no, I am not joking. Yes, it does get me mad hunnies).

We are recruiting for the next IQA world cup! If you are a comic/sports play-by-play person then you should totally get in on this HOT FIRE.