The Levine Machine
Are you ready to take a ride on the Levine Machine?
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This is a story taken from the latest YU Beacon issue in the “Too Hot for the Commentator” section of the Paper.
The night started out innocently enough. 6 O’clock I finished bio lab, 7:30 I finished dinner and at 7:45 I was back in my room catching up on Glee. 7:48 I get a text from my friend:
“Hey, AEPi party tonight in the Heights. My male friend needs to bring 5 girls in order to get in for free. You wanna come?”
I had fallen into a boring routine at Stern. In the day I would take my classes, in the night I would do homework and go through my Hulu queue. I needed a change of pace. The highlight of my night was going to be using my café-card at Tiberias. An AEPi party was just the thing I needed to get out of that boring rut. Plus, who knows, I might find my bashert there.
“You need to wear a costume. It is a costume party”
“What are you going as?”
“Sexy Rambam.”
“That sounds sexy.”
“Oh, It is.”
“I will go dressed as sexy Richard Joel.”
“That sounds sexy.”
“Oh. It is.”
I put a coat over my sexy Richard Joel costume to hide my new sexy persona. On the outside I was *Miriam, Bio major at Stern who spent a year at Harova followed by a year in MMY. Under my coat I was *Melissa, super sexy love kitten who was down for anything and everything. The night was about to get freakay.
We board the shuttle at 10 PM. There are 10 other girls in the shuttle, most are on their way to hear a lecture series by Rabbi Sherberg called “Being a Jew in the Modern World.” I sarcastically think to myself “Wow, finally someone has the cajones to talk about being a Jew in the modern world.” A mousy girl sitting next to me taps me on the shoulder.
“Did you finish your essay for ‘Intro to Exegesis’ with Nechama Price?”
“I’m like 75% done with it. It was kinda hard.”
Mousy girl has no idea what kind of stone cold sex freak she is talking to.
We get off the bus at 10:32 and head to the party. 10:36 we get in and by 10:40 someone is pouring something called “Drank” into a red cup for me. With one swig I forget about Miriam and fully embrace Melissa. I start to wonder how all these people fit into a tiny room, “Must be some kind of Miracle, kinda like how the Beit Hamikdash or Noah’s Ark was able to fit all those people/animals”. A second swig and I forget all about Torah and more importantly, Negiah. I take a third swig and look up. There he is.
“Accounting major. I want to go into Tax or something”
“That’s super hot. Accounting is super hot.”
“I know. Wanna go back to my apartment and talk about accounting?”
[Sarcastic Chuckle]
“Only if we can make out when we are there. JK, but yeah, lets go to your apartment.”
We walk the three blocks to 184th and Audobon. The whole time he is bragging about how he has his own room and only pays $580 a month. I act like I know what he is talking about.
We get to his place, he opens the door and we make haste to his bedroom which is slightly messy and has a Mark Sanchez poster on the wall.
“Bought that poster before I knew he was gonna suck. It’s like Brian Schottenheimer is TRYING to run the most predictable offense in the league. They should pick up Peyton Manning this offseason.”
“Totally.”
I admire his collection of comic books and his Xbox 360. His “5 star” notebooks are full of YUMesorah notes and old tests from accounting classes. There is the distinct odor of old spice in the room.Then I look up.
There he was, standing there with his Kippa Sruga, Techeilet Tzizit and that devilish grin from ear to ear. I knew what he wanted and he knew what I wanted.“Is there somewhere I can put my North Face jacket?”
With confidence he responds,“Yeah, on the futon over there next to the Artscroll Gemara Bava Kama”.
It was on.That night we made sweet, sweet love. As I lay half naked on the complimentary Sy Syms blanket he got last year, I wondered; would Miriam ever return, or was my new life as Melissa just beginning?
“I have a 2 AM shuttle….”
“You can crash on the couch in my living room if you want.”
“Nah, I don’t wanna take the Friday morning shuttle. The girls who take those always get judged by the married girls. Also, I have an ‘Intro to Exegesis’ essay to finish for Nechama Price.”
*names have been changed to protect the innocent.Eitan Levine is a Stand-up, Improv and Sketch comic based out of NYC.Follow him on Twitter at @EitanthegoalieEmail: Eitanthegoalie@gmail.com -
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mymommysaysimspecial reblogged this from thelevinemachine and added:
written word http://yubeacon.com/2011/12/the__written_word/how-do-i-even-begin-to-explain-this/
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raminkoff said:
you are too funny
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thelevinemachine posted this
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