To whom it may concern,
Some of you know me as Eitan Levine. Some of you know me as @Eitanthegoalie. All of you know me as “@Eitanthegoalie - the guy that was unfairly removed from Twitter Madness.” Thurgood Marshall once said that “it is a greater crime to stand idly by while injustices are being done than to have committed the injustice itself.” Well, I am not standing by idly anymore. The truth is never easy to hear and the truth today is that Twitter Madness is a sham of a competition, a breeding ground for corruption and laced with anti-semetic undertones.
Just like any major crime syndicate or hate group, we must go to the top in order to analyze how this competition is truly heinous. Who sits on the top of this hate-filled pyramid? Kurt Guenther and Dan Glaser.
Kurt is a Putin-sympathizing neo-nazi who one time called me JewFace VonBankOwner. It was impossible to take an improv class with him because he would throw pennies at me during my improv scenes and say stuff like “Yes AND Eitan’s family shot Archduke Ferdinand to start World War 1. The Rothschilds led to the death of thousands of people and Eitan’s family is the Rothschilds.” How am I suppose to improvise to that?
I was surprised that I even made it into the tournament but then I quickly realized that Kurt put me in so that he could kick me out in the second round. “But Eitan” you are asking “Why wouldn’t he kick you out during the first round?”. Good question, I theorize that it is so that I would get a little excited and then be more depressed when I was eliminated.
I don’t know him but based on his name and the fact he hangs out with Kurt, I can imagine that
he also hates jews.
Shortly after I lost I recieved a text message from Kurt that simply “Your zionist war machine has finally met a match that even your dominance of the world banks could not buy your way out of.”
This tournament is a sham brought upon by Kurt Hussein Guenther and Dan Strom Thurman Glaser to defame the Jewish people. It is rigged to make my proud culture look like fools.
The Jewish culture is responsible for society’s biggest advances in medicine, political theory, literature, mathematics and philosophy yet Kurt and Dan (the Shaw and Kobe of anti-semitism) couldn’t see to it that a member of the tribe made it to the 3rd round. Look at the Sweet-16, not a single member of the chosen people. Who will represent the Jews? Jesse Neil? Jesse Neil is the most aryan looking person in the world. Corey Brown? Corey Brown is the second most aryan looking person in the world.
I implore you all to boycott Tweet Madness.
All the best,
A concerned member of this planet.
I am in love with Brooklyn college academic SUPERSTAR, Sarah Levitan. She is the lady from the Brooklyn college ads. She is the lady of my dreams.
"Goddess of the 1 Train: A Poem about Sarah Levitan"
The princess of education
Smartest beauty in the land
I see you every morning
But I’ve never touched your hand
You smile in your circle
High above the black speckled floor
Across from the newest novel by David Baldacci
Right next to Doctor Jonathan Zizmor
Your hair is darker than the darkest night
Your skin is warmer than the warmest light
Your sly little smirk says “Oh Eitan, Yeah right!”
It’s clear you are totally Jewish, a stone cold semite
Let’s build a castle up in the clouds in Shamayim*
Let’s have some kids and move out to Long Island
"DOOO DOOO’ I gotta go, i’ll miss you, honey bun
Because you are the best part of the Uptown 1
If you are reading this blog then chances are me and you have a ton in common. We both love AC/DC, we both opt for a taco salad over an enchilada when we are feeling healthy and we both think that pythons are totally bad ass. Let’s call it like it is, there aren’t many Jennifer Lawrence…
I wrote this blog post for a friend’s Blogathon! Proceeds go to Doctors Without Boarders! That makes me a great guy! Read and then donate!
New Years Eve is a dangerous time, especially if you live at sea.
Here are 5 little tips for you to use to be safe this New Years Eve and also not get scurvy.
1. Don’t drink too much
2. Always travel with a buddy
3. Wear many layers
4. If you are drinking, make sure to never leave your drink unattended
5. Eat oranges
"Dave, it’s your agent… yeah, I booked you a gig… no, it’s not McDonalds… your gonna be the new face of HIV… well Dave, the phones haven’t exactly been ringing off the hook lately… should you take it?!? Dave, I don’t think you understand where your career is currently at… you want to be a top model? The fact that we are even considering booking you for this gig should be a pretty clear indication that the window for being a top model is BEYOND closed… ok, I’ll tell them you’re in… hey, Dave, sorry I was harsh there… small victories Dave, small victories"
"A bottle of whiteeee.
A bottle of redddd.
Perhaps a bottle of is anyone else cold in here? I can’t be the only one cold in here… No, I’m not putting on my coat. Why? Because coats are an outside thing, Gregory and we are inside and I like to think we aren’t cavemen… I’m gonna ask them to put the heat on… excuse me… excuse me… why is she not looking at me…. excuse me! Ma’am! Yes, hi, can you turn the heat on?… what do you mean no?… you don’t know how?… no it’s ok, I’ll try not to die of hypothermia… INSTEADDDDDD.”
-Billy Joel’s “Scenes from a Kosher Restaurant”
Dear President Richard HUSSEIN Joel,
As a proud and handsome alumnus of Yeshiva University, I am concerned. We can all agree that this school is going through tough financial times. A few years ago our Moody’s rating fell from AAA to AA which meant that we went from being welcomed guests of honor to “who invited Uncle Steve to Thanksgiving? Seriously. We agreed NO Uncle Steve this year.” at the imaginary banking dinner I made up in my head (JP Morgan cuts the Turkey, Citi Bank asks everyone to say what they are thankful for and Bank of America adorably falls asleep in his chair and is carried to his bed by Banco Popular). Our endowment keeps on shrinking, donations are at an all-time lowand recent budget cuts to the school’s academic and extracurricular program show that this is only the tip of this money colored iceberg that our school “Titanic’d” into.
What makes this worse is that students at YU are starting to doubt our administration’s competence when it comes to financial responsibility. When asked “How is our administration handling Yeshiva University’s debt?” A recent poll done by the Commentator shows that 34% of students responded “I trust em’” while a whopping 60% of students said “*old Yiddish man accent* Feh!” (6% of students answered “whats the deal with porn in the YU dorms? is that still blocked?”).
Well Billy Joel, looks like you need some help. No! Put down that adderall! I have a better plan!
It’s a 3 step plan and I guarantee if you follow these three steps you will be sling-shotted into the College President Hot-shots hall of fame (Right next to Larry “Dolla Dolla Bill” Summers and Richard “C-Money” Levin) (Please note, those two names were significantly more creative than you gave me credit for. Trust me.)
Step #1- Get rid of the school owlery.
We get it President Joel, you loves owls but lets call it like it is, nobody uses the owlery except for owlrey majors. I was in YU for 4-ish years and I maybe used the owlery 3 times and twice because of the fact that “Owlelry 432” is in our core curriculum FOR SOME REASON. There are a total of 9 owlery majors in the school (with 4 tenured owlery professors) compared to 37 English majors and 145 accounting majors YET this school spends roughly $3 million dollars a year keeping the Owlery program alive.
Step #2- Throw One Last Great Concert
Let’s get the band back together, Richie. I know you left “that world” a long time ago but man, we used to shred back in the day. We were rock gods in our small town and I know you decided to get more serious about your studies this year, but desperate times call for desperate measures and Yeshiva University needs us. You on lead guitar/lead vocals, me on drums and Rabbi Willig on bass? We can’t be stopped! We can save the school, stop Mr. Cunnigham from tearing down the Rec Center AND lets be honest, this is your last chance to impress Cindy Bergman before summer vacation. Come on, Richie. One last show.
Step #3- Ponzi Scheme someone
Lets level with each other, we got Ponzi scheme’d and we got Ponzi scheme’d bad. Bernie “The Ponz” Madoff tricked us and I think the only way to right this wrong is for us to Ponzi scheme someone else. Remember the movie “Pay it Forward”? Well, it’s time for us to do the opposite of what that movie was trying to teach us. Who do we do this to? Easy, Tulane. That’s right, We Ponzi scheme Tulane, the Harvard of Louisiana (Keep in mind, Louisiana is the Union County College of America). They challenge us for that coveted 50 spot on the US News college ranking every year and I think it’s about time we go for the knockout punch. We ponzi scheme them. We ponzi scheme them hard. We ponzi scheme them fast. We ponzi scheme them ‘till they suffer from crippling PTSD (Ponzischeme Traumadic Stress Disorder).
Well president, there you go. That’s how you get YU back on top.
Take it squeazy!