Dear President Richard HUSSEIN Joel,
As a proud and handsome alumnus of Yeshiva University, I am concerned. We can all agree that this school is going through tough financial times. A few years ago our Moody’s rating fell from AAA to AA which meant that we went from being welcomed guests of honor to “who invited Uncle Steve to Thanksgiving? Seriously. We agreed NO Uncle Steve this year.” at the imaginary banking dinner I made up in my head (JP Morgan cuts the Turkey, Citi Bank asks everyone to say what they are thankful for and Bank of America adorably falls asleep in his chair and is carried to his bed by Banco Popular). Our endowment keeps on shrinking, donations are at an all-time lowand recent budget cuts to the school’s academic and extracurricular program show that this is only the tip of this money colored iceberg that our school “Titanic’d” into.
What makes this worse is that students at YU are starting to doubt our administration’s competence when it comes to financial responsibility. When asked “How is our administration handling Yeshiva University’s debt?” A recent poll done by the Commentator shows that 34% of students responded “I trust em’” while a whopping 60% of students said “*old Yiddish man accent* Feh!” (6% of students answered “whats the deal with porn in the YU dorms? is that still blocked?”).
Well Billy Joel, looks like you need some help. No! Put down that adderall! I have a better plan!
It’s a 3 step plan and I guarantee if you follow these three steps you will be sling-shotted into the College President Hot-shots hall of fame (Right next to Larry “Dolla Dolla Bill” Summers and Richard “C-Money” Levin) (Please note, those two names were significantly more creative than you gave me credit for. Trust me.)
Step #1- Get rid of the school owlery.
We get it President Joel, you loves owls but lets call it like it is, nobody uses the owlery except for owlrey majors. I was in YU for 4-ish years and I maybe used the owlery 3 times and twice because of the fact that “Owlelry 432” is in our core curriculum FOR SOME REASON. There are a total of 9 owlery majors in the school (with 4 tenured owlery professors) compared to 37 English majors and 145 accounting majors YET this school spends roughly $3 million dollars a year keeping the Owlery program alive.
Step #2- Throw One Last Great Concert
Let’s get the band back together, Richie. I know you left “that world” a long time ago but man, we used to shred back in the day. We were rock gods in our small town and I know you decided to get more serious about your studies this year, but desperate times call for desperate measures and Yeshiva University needs us. You on lead guitar/lead vocals, me on drums and Rabbi Willig on bass? We can’t be stopped! We can save the school, stop Mr. Cunnigham from tearing down the Rec Center AND lets be honest, this is your last chance to impress Cindy Bergman before summer vacation. Come on, Richie. One last show.
Step #3- Ponzi Scheme someone
Lets level with each other, we got Ponzi scheme’d and we got Ponzi scheme’d bad. Bernie “The Ponz” Madoff tricked us and I think the only way to right this wrong is for us to Ponzi scheme someone else. Remember the movie “Pay it Forward”? Well, it’s time for us to do the opposite of what that movie was trying to teach us. Who do we do this to? Easy, Tulane. That’s right, We Ponzi scheme Tulane, the Harvard of Louisiana (Keep in mind, Louisiana is the Union County College of America). They challenge us for that coveted 50 spot on the US News college ranking every year and I think it’s about time we go for the knockout punch. We ponzi scheme them. We ponzi scheme them hard. We ponzi scheme them fast. We ponzi scheme them ‘till they suffer from crippling PTSD (Ponzischeme Traumadic Stress Disorder).
Well president, there you go. That’s how you get YU back on top.
Take it squeazy!
I wrote this desk piece for a recent sports/sketch show i was in. It pretty much sums up what it means to be a Met fan.
Although the baseball season wrapped up only a month ago,the baseball rumorville starting to get underway. Here now to speak with us about one of our hometown squads, avid Met fan, Eitan Levine.
Thanks for having me Ellen.
Thanks for coming on. Let’s get started with this year’s Mets team. They failed to make the playoffs this past year but did seem to show signs of life and potential throughout the season.
That is correct. The current Mets team is one of the most interesting and promising teams in baseball. We have potential picthing stars in Noah Synegaard and Zack Wheeler. All experts seem to think that Matt Harvey will come back stronger than ever and we can’t forget about the potential offensive power of Travis D’Arnaud.
So you think the Mets will be good this next year?
Ohhh, no way. They’re the Mets. They will be awful.
Huh? You just said they would be great?
Ellen, I don’t know if you’ve ever watched the Mets play but it never works out how we wanted. The 2013 Mets could literally time travel the 1996 through 2000 Yankee all-stars to the present time, throw some Met jerseys on them and they would still end the season 3 games out of the wild card.
So you’re saying that they couldn’t win even if they tried. What is wrong with the Mets? Why cant they win?
No one can be too sure. I point their losing ways to one of two reasons. The first is that the mets historically go after big ticket free agents that never really pan out. Johan Santana and Jason Bay for example.
The second reason is that CITI FIELD WAS BUILT ON AN ANCIENT INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! The Wilpons were warned of the dangers building the stadium in Willets Point and now they must suffer the consequences.
Jeez! How can they…
The only way the Wilpons can reverse the curse of the Hapachi indians is for David Wright to drink the blood of a virgin San Diego Padres fan while Fred Wilpon and Terry Collins drop the one ring to rule them all into the fires of mount doom.
I know! It’s gonna be really difficult! Robinson Cano is looking to move, how could the Mets NOT make a run at him!
Well, what do you think is going to happen to the Mets this year?
My guess is that the Mets will reach the all-star break with a respectable 45-to-50 wins.
Thats good. That is a great first half.
At that point The Mets will then undergo the regular series of wacky goofs, hillarious yuk yuks and other knee-slapping antics. Zack Wheeler will tear his UCL while slipping on a bannana peel at the school dance. David Wright will tear a hamstring while eating a comically large Sandwich with his pet dog/fellow myster solver and Jose Reyes will fracture his ankle running back and forth between two restaraunts across the street from each other. He had to do that because he asked Cindy Franklin and Rachel Corey out on the same night.
Eitan, What are you talking about? that is sooo stupid.
I know. He should have asked them out on two seperate days. He kept saying “I have to chose one before the dnace!” but lets be honest, he had like a month until Winter Formal!
I was saying your list was stupid. Also, Jose Reyes isn’t on the Mets anymore.
Yeah, but him just being on the Mets at one point is enough for a career of shennanigans.
Ok, but you guys arent even the worst team in the league. What about… the Yankees!
Oh, they are awful. The team is wayyyy past it’s prime and no Mariano? Forget about it.
So you think they won’t make the playoffs?
Oh. No. They’ll win the championship. They’re the Yankees.
Eitan Levine everybody!
Here is a picture of my last day working at the office (full time. I will still be part-timin’)!
Everyone can stop asking me where I’m going to be working next because the truth is, I’m not going to be working anywhere. I’m leaving my job purely to get back to doing comedy full time (emphasis on Stand-up, writing and getting deeper into the sketch comedy world). It’s weird, but for some reason I’ve always been minorly embarrassed to say that I was a “comic.” In college I swore to my parents and friends it was just a hobby and then found the need to keep telling myself that all my comedy writing internships were just to become a better writer because in my mind, business like people that can write. It was like I was always using my experiences in comedy to leverage everything but my potential success in comedy. When it comes down to it, the biggest thing from me quitting is that now I am forced to become comfortable saying “I’m a comedian” when people ask what I do.
To answer your next question, Yes, I have some small comedy stuff lined up but nothing is really super substantial. A few gigs, a small tour and then a whole ‘lotta unpaid stuff.
To answer your follow-up question, no, I don’t know what I am going to do in the long run but no one really ever does. What I do know is that I make excuses for not doing things I should be doing REALLY often and if I didn’t leave now to make an attempt at accomplishing my goals, I would just keep on finding excuses to never leave.
To answer your follow up to that question, I got this sweater at Century 21 and YES, it does feel as comfortable as it looks.
I guess to answer your last question, yeah, I am nervous. I’ve spent the past 2 weeks contemplating whether leaving my job was the right decision to make and what the long-term fallout of me failing would mean. The conclusion I came to is that if I fail, I guess I’ll just go back into the corporate world (and if I succeed, I secure a role in “Grown-ups 6”’ as Kevin James’ son or as Kevin James’ in a flashback to his college years. Either way, I’m gonna be scorin’ some major face time with K-Jam.). All in all, the important thing is that 10 years from now I’m not sitting at a desk in my office somewhere thinking “man, I really shoulda taken a stab at comedy.”
In conclusion, I’m being very serious when I say that next time you see me you should come over, give me a hug, say congratulations and then say something like “you did the right thing. You are gonna CRUSH it.” Lord knows I could use the encouragement right now.
Also, feel free to offer me a spot on your show or something. I suddenly have a LOT more free time on my hands.
P.S. Classic Anne. Wednesday nights at 7pm at the People’s Improv Theater.
Aside from owning mobile bathrooms and having a clientelle who rents them out, hilarious poop-pun names are the most important thing to owning a Port- O-Potty business.
Here are 5 Port-O-Potty company names I thought of on the subway this morning:
1. Barack POO-Sein Obama
2. Crape Diem
3. Star of the hit ABC show ‘Whose Line is it Anyways?”, Greg Poops.
4. Dr. PooPoo PeePee for YouYou and MeMe
5. ToiLet My People Go
Anyways, there is a guy in my office that has graying hair and always wears jeans for some reason. I roasted him pretty hard during my going away speech.
Here are all the excerpts where I talk about him:
- “Your hair looks like someone with a face full of talcum powder sneezed on your head.”
- “If your head was Black Bean soup, I would tell the waiter to send it back to the chef because there was too much sea salt on it.”
- “Your head looks like the part of the mountain where it is still rocky but it is slowly getting snowy.”
- “Your hair looks like Casper if he just got back from a hard day of coal mining OR like Black Bear who just got back from a hard day at the marshmallow fluff factory.”
- “I can’t tell if your hair has benjamin Button disease or if it is just awful genes. And I mean genes like genetics, not like your weird jeans you wear to the office. Seriously, you dress like you have the job title “social media ninja” at some startup in Soho called “ZIP IT!” which is an App that lets you know where all the nearest zippers are in your area while in reality you work for a company that prides itself on knowing the halachic standing of sheep gelatin in Pas Yisroel jello mixes.”
- “Your hair looks like a gecko who just walked in front of a TV with an old timey black and white movie playing.”
(Honorable mentions. Roasts that didn’t make it into the final roast.)
- Your head looks like it has a cocaine problem
- Your head looks like a death eater with crippling dandruff
Kenan Thompson hates black women. Plain and simple. The SNL mainstay was quoted this week in some article saying he thought black women had all the comedic ability of a an empty Aunt Jemima syrup bottle with only half the delicious “maple-y” taste. (or something like that. I didn’t actually read the article.)
Well, luckily the internet took notice to Kenan’s words and fought back the only way it could: with lists.
Here are the top 5 internet lists of lists of black women who should be on SNL.
1. Yes, They Exist: 10 Black Women Who Could Star On “SNL”
2. Kenan Thompson is Wrong..Here’s 3 Funny Black Women that Should be on SNL
3. 10 Funny Black Women Who Would Rock “Saturday Night Live”
5. 5 Funny Black Women Who Are Totally Ready To Be On Saturday Night Live
I was in Washington DC today.
Name me ONE thing more American than taking a picture where the Washington Monument looks like your genitals? You can’t! Well, the government officially made that impossible today.
Luckily I snapped this photo last year before OBAMA could ruin it for me.
"Candice, Candice, Candice! Stop! Stop! Stop! Listen. If you don’t know how to properly itemize a Q-6 report then just tell me and I’ll show you. You can’t just "fudge" numbers to make them fit. I know you studied art in college but there is no such thing as creative accounting. If you don’t follow the system, itemize the returns and file the dividends then we will get audited. Plain and simple."
Day #14 of working with a box for a hand