I am in love with Brooklyn college academic SUPERSTAR, Sarah Levitan. She is the lady from the Brooklyn college ads. She is the lady of my dreams.
"Goddess of the 1 Train: A Poem about Sarah Levitan"
The princess of education
Smartest beauty in the land
I see you every morning
But I’ve never touched your hand
You smile in your circle
High above the black speckled floor
Across from the newest novel by David Baldacci
Right next to Doctor Jonathan Zizmor
Your hair is darker than the darkest night
Your skin is warmer than the warmest light
Your sly little smirk says “Oh Eitan, Yeah right!”
It’s clear you are totally Jewish, a stone cold semite
Let’s build a castle up in the clouds in Shamayim*
Let’s have some kids and move out to Long Island
"DOOO DOOO’ I gotta go, i’ll miss you, honey bun
Because you are the best part of the Uptown 1
If you are reading this blog then chances are me and you have a ton in common. We both love AC/DC, we both opt for a taco salad over an enchilada when we are feeling healthy and we both think that pythons are totally bad ass. Let’s call it like it is, there aren’t many Jennifer Lawrence…
I wrote this blog post for a friend’s Blogathon! Proceeds go to Doctors Without Boarders! That makes me a great guy! Read and then donate!
New Years Eve is a dangerous time, especially if you live at sea.
Here are 5 little tips for you to use to be safe this New Years Eve and also not get scurvy.
1. Don’t drink too much
2. Always travel with a buddy
3. Wear many layers
4. If you are drinking, make sure to never leave your drink unattended
5. Eat oranges
"Dave, it’s your agent… yeah, I booked you a gig… no, it’s not McDonalds… your gonna be the new face of HIV… well Dave, the phones haven’t exactly been ringing off the hook lately… should you take it?!? Dave, I don’t think you understand where your career is currently at… you want to be a top model? The fact that we are even considering booking you for this gig should be a pretty clear indication that the window for being a top model is BEYOND closed… ok, I’ll tell them you’re in… hey, Dave, sorry I was harsh there… small victories Dave, small victories"
"A bottle of whiteeee.
A bottle of redddd.
Perhaps a bottle of is anyone else cold in here? I can’t be the only one cold in here… No, I’m not putting on my coat. Why? Because coats are an outside thing, Gregory and we are inside and I like to think we aren’t cavemen… I’m gonna ask them to put the heat on… excuse me… excuse me… why is she not looking at me…. excuse me! Ma’am! Yes, hi, can you turn the heat on?… what do you mean no?… you don’t know how?… no it’s ok, I’ll try not to die of hypothermia… INSTEADDDDDD.”
-Billy Joel’s “Scenes from a Kosher Restaurant”
Dear President Richard HUSSEIN Joel,
As a proud and handsome alumnus of Yeshiva University, I am concerned. We can all agree that this school is going through tough financial times. A few years ago our Moody’s rating fell from AAA to AA which meant that we went from being welcomed guests of honor to “who invited Uncle Steve to Thanksgiving? Seriously. We agreed NO Uncle Steve this year.” at the imaginary banking dinner I made up in my head (JP Morgan cuts the Turkey, Citi Bank asks everyone to say what they are thankful for and Bank of America adorably falls asleep in his chair and is carried to his bed by Banco Popular). Our endowment keeps on shrinking, donations are at an all-time lowand recent budget cuts to the school’s academic and extracurricular program show that this is only the tip of this money colored iceberg that our school “Titanic’d” into.
What makes this worse is that students at YU are starting to doubt our administration’s competence when it comes to financial responsibility. When asked “How is our administration handling Yeshiva University’s debt?” A recent poll done by the Commentator shows that 34% of students responded “I trust em’” while a whopping 60% of students said “*old Yiddish man accent* Feh!” (6% of students answered “whats the deal with porn in the YU dorms? is that still blocked?”).
Well Billy Joel, looks like you need some help. No! Put down that adderall! I have a better plan!
It’s a 3 step plan and I guarantee if you follow these three steps you will be sling-shotted into the College President Hot-shots hall of fame (Right next to Larry “Dolla Dolla Bill” Summers and Richard “C-Money” Levin) (Please note, those two names were significantly more creative than you gave me credit for. Trust me.)
Step #1- Get rid of the school owlery.
We get it President Joel, you loves owls but lets call it like it is, nobody uses the owlery except for owlrey majors. I was in YU for 4-ish years and I maybe used the owlery 3 times and twice because of the fact that “Owlelry 432” is in our core curriculum FOR SOME REASON. There are a total of 9 owlery majors in the school (with 4 tenured owlery professors) compared to 37 English majors and 145 accounting majors YET this school spends roughly $3 million dollars a year keeping the Owlery program alive.
Step #2- Throw One Last Great Concert
Let’s get the band back together, Richie. I know you left “that world” a long time ago but man, we used to shred back in the day. We were rock gods in our small town and I know you decided to get more serious about your studies this year, but desperate times call for desperate measures and Yeshiva University needs us. You on lead guitar/lead vocals, me on drums and Rabbi Willig on bass? We can’t be stopped! We can save the school, stop Mr. Cunnigham from tearing down the Rec Center AND lets be honest, this is your last chance to impress Cindy Bergman before summer vacation. Come on, Richie. One last show.
Step #3- Ponzi Scheme someone
Lets level with each other, we got Ponzi scheme’d and we got Ponzi scheme’d bad. Bernie “The Ponz” Madoff tricked us and I think the only way to right this wrong is for us to Ponzi scheme someone else. Remember the movie “Pay it Forward”? Well, it’s time for us to do the opposite of what that movie was trying to teach us. Who do we do this to? Easy, Tulane. That’s right, We Ponzi scheme Tulane, the Harvard of Louisiana (Keep in mind, Louisiana is the Union County College of America). They challenge us for that coveted 50 spot on the US News college ranking every year and I think it’s about time we go for the knockout punch. We ponzi scheme them. We ponzi scheme them hard. We ponzi scheme them fast. We ponzi scheme them ‘till they suffer from crippling PTSD (Ponzischeme Traumadic Stress Disorder).
Well president, there you go. That’s how you get YU back on top.
Take it squeazy!
I wrote this desk piece for a recent sports/sketch show i was in. It pretty much sums up what it means to be a Met fan.
Although the baseball season wrapped up only a month ago,the baseball rumorville starting to get underway. Here now to speak with us about one of our hometown squads, avid Met fan, Eitan Levine.
Thanks for having me Ellen.
Thanks for coming on. Let’s get started with this year’s Mets team. They failed to make the playoffs this past year but did seem to show signs of life and potential throughout the season.
That is correct. The current Mets team is one of the most interesting and promising teams in baseball. We have potential picthing stars in Noah Synegaard and Zack Wheeler. All experts seem to think that Matt Harvey will come back stronger than ever and we can’t forget about the potential offensive power of Travis D’Arnaud.
So you think the Mets will be good this next year?
Ohhh, no way. They’re the Mets. They will be awful.
Huh? You just said they would be great?
Ellen, I don’t know if you’ve ever watched the Mets play but it never works out how we wanted. The 2013 Mets could literally time travel the 1996 through 2000 Yankee all-stars to the present time, throw some Met jerseys on them and they would still end the season 3 games out of the wild card.
So you’re saying that they couldn’t win even if they tried. What is wrong with the Mets? Why cant they win?
No one can be too sure. I point their losing ways to one of two reasons. The first is that the mets historically go after big ticket free agents that never really pan out. Johan Santana and Jason Bay for example.
The second reason is that CITI FIELD WAS BUILT ON AN ANCIENT INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! The Wilpons were warned of the dangers building the stadium in Willets Point and now they must suffer the consequences.
Jeez! How can they…
The only way the Wilpons can reverse the curse of the Hapachi indians is for David Wright to drink the blood of a virgin San Diego Padres fan while Fred Wilpon and Terry Collins drop the one ring to rule them all into the fires of mount doom.
I know! It’s gonna be really difficult! Robinson Cano is looking to move, how could the Mets NOT make a run at him!
Well, what do you think is going to happen to the Mets this year?
My guess is that the Mets will reach the all-star break with a respectable 45-to-50 wins.
Thats good. That is a great first half.
At that point The Mets will then undergo the regular series of wacky goofs, hillarious yuk yuks and other knee-slapping antics. Zack Wheeler will tear his UCL while slipping on a bannana peel at the school dance. David Wright will tear a hamstring while eating a comically large Sandwich with his pet dog/fellow myster solver and Jose Reyes will fracture his ankle running back and forth between two restaraunts across the street from each other. He had to do that because he asked Cindy Franklin and Rachel Corey out on the same night.
Eitan, What are you talking about? that is sooo stupid.
I know. He should have asked them out on two seperate days. He kept saying “I have to chose one before the dnace!” but lets be honest, he had like a month until Winter Formal!
I was saying your list was stupid. Also, Jose Reyes isn’t on the Mets anymore.
Yeah, but him just being on the Mets at one point is enough for a career of shennanigans.
Ok, but you guys arent even the worst team in the league. What about… the Yankees!
Oh, they are awful. The team is wayyyy past it’s prime and no Mariano? Forget about it.
So you think they won’t make the playoffs?
Oh. No. They’ll win the championship. They’re the Yankees.
Eitan Levine everybody!